CACTUS BUTT

A reader asked me to repost this story. Here you go!

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I'm going out on a limb here. When you go hunting, what happens in camp or while hunting should stay in camp or while hunting. I have already told the parties involved that I was going to post this story. I'm posting because, for one, I think that it is funny. And two, it is true. My wife has heard it several times and has had her drink come out her nose from laughing. So, I am going to tell it the way it happened.

Several years ago (well, more than several) my dad, brother-in-law, nephews, and I went deer and elk hunting. We drove to Crestone in the San Luis Valley of Colorado. We had all the gear and stuff we needed to camp out. Cots to sleep on. (Some of us are too old to sleep on the ground now.) Enough food to feed us, and maybe 10 other people, for about two weeks. And lots of warm clothes and stuff. My dad had more than the rest of us. He would wear long john underwear, blue jeans, two shirts, a vest , and a jacket, then he topped it all off with the one piece Carhartt overalls. You would think that if he fell down he would not be able to get back up on his own.

The day started off with a BIG breakfast: eggs, bacon, hash browns, pancakes, and coffee. After cleaning up from breakfast we got our gear ready to go hunting. We decided to hunt this big mountain behind our camp. It was pretty steep in a few places, and the snow on the ground made walking a little hard sometimes. As we all spread out and made our way through the trees, we let the boys kind of go off on their own. My dad, brother-in-law, and I went further up the mountain. There were tracks of deer and elk all over the place, as well as the tracks of a couple of mountain lions.

The snow got deeper, the walking got harder, and the tracks were everywhere. Yet we never saw a single deer or elk.

After walking for several hours, my dad said that we should head back down towards camp, that we might scare something up. We did -- a mountain lion. We could hear him and see fresh tracks, but never got a eyeball on him.

So we kept heading back down the mountain and kept watching out for the mountain lion. My dad decided that we needed to take a little rest, so we all picked a spot to set. Unknowingly, the spot Dad picked was on a cactus. He let out this big yell and said a few choice words. Those spines had gone through ALL of those clothes that he was wearing. He jumped up, cussing, and did some kind of a little jig, then fell on his butt.

Well, I was starting to giggle a little, as was my brother-in-law. If we would have had some music, Dad's little jig would have made Dancing With the Stars, if that show would have been on then. My dad was giving us the stink eye and his face was about as red as an apple. He started to take off his overalls, thinking that the spines were only stuck to them. After removing the overalls, he found out that they had gone through. . . ALL the way through.

Now he was really mad, and informed us that one of us would have to remove the offending cactus spines from his butt.

I love my dad very much and would do anything for him. But I decided that my brother-in-law should get to know my dad better. Let's call it kind of a bonding moment for the both of them. My brother-in-law was not too happy about this and protested. By now, Dad had his pants, long johns, and boxers down past his knees, and had whipped out his trusty Swiss Army knife. This knife had everything on it but the kitchen sink. It also had the cutest little pair of tweezers. As this scene unfolded in front of me, I decided that I would move off a bit, and give them a little privacy.

After I moved away and looked back, I started to laugh. I couldn't help it. There was my Dad with his bare snow white butt sticking out, and my brother-in-law, kneeling behind him, with his reading glasses on, with his nose pretty close to Dad's butt. He was trying to see and pull the little cactus spines out of my dad's fanny, and they both were trying not to laugh.

There we were, the three of us on the side of this mountain. I was off to one side. My dad had his butt sticking out. My brother-in-law behind him on his knees with these itty bitty tweezers.

I decided to turn my back on them and see about doing some hunting. I was checking out the downhill side of the mountain and just getting ready to check out the other side of the valley when my dad made the comment that he was glad that there was no one else around to see.

As I lookied at the other side of the valley, on the next hill over sat three hunters. If we all had not had to wear bright orange vests and hats we may have never seen each other.

But, no such luck. The three hunters were all looking through binoculars, scoping out our side of the mountain. I made a comment about spotting them to the guys. They did not believe me.

I saw that one of them had spotted us! I tried to move further into the trees to distance myself, but no such luck -- one of them elbowed his partner and pointed us out. The second one elbowed the third guy. He spotted us. I moved further into the trees. And my brother-in-law kept kneeling and plucking at those cactus spines, making comments to my dad.

They were laughing. The hunters on the other side of the valley were laughing and pointing. I was waiting for one of them to end up rolling down the hill or something. And of course, I was laughing, too.

I bet my nephews could hear us laughing. Heck, I bet they could hear us all the way down in Crestone!

My dad finally decided that maybe we should finish this up back in camp. Why he didn't think of this in the first place, we will never know. My brother-in-law was more than happy to quit. He chewed me out, saying that he is MY dad and I should have had the honor of this little operation. I told him I was a better shot than he, and that I was worried about the mountain lion sneaking up on us. I was protecting them! 'Course, if that mountain lion had shown up I think that he would have had a hard time trying to figure out what in the heck kind of animal the two of them were. Or, maybe he would have been laughing so hard that he couldn't have attacked anyway.

Dad didn't get anymore of them cactus spines out of his fanny. He stayed close to camp the rest of the trip. And the boys were upset that they didn't get to see how my dad and their dad got to bond.

And the guys on the other side of the valley? Well, they drove by on their way out one day and gave my dad and the rest of us a funny look when they figured it out. I'm surprised that they didn't run off the road after they passed our camp. I swear that I could hear those guys laughing all the way to town.

So, you ladies out there -- now you know what happened on one of our hunting trips. What happens on hunting trips and in camp should stay in the hunting camp. I may have to start looking over my shoulder from now on for spilling the beans. (Seems that it always comes to beans with me. . . oh, well.)