FEED YOUR FACE: A Favorite Fruitcake

This recipe came from Kathi's Grandma Lovey. Grandma thought this was very funny and got it out every year around Christmas-time. When Grandma Lovey passed away, Kathi got her recipe box. This was in it.
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This is my favorite recipe for fruitcake.

You'll need the following:

• a cup of water
• a cup of sugar
• a cup of brown sugar
• 4 large eggs
• 2 cups of dried fruit
• a teaspoon of baking soda
• a teaspoon of salt
• lemon juice
• nuts
• a bottle of whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another cup.

Turn off the mixerer. Break two leggs and add the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for consistency.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?! Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table spoon of sugar or something -- whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner, throw the bowl out the window, check the whiskey again, then go to bed.