Friday, February 13, 2015

VALENTINE TIME

This Saturday is Valentine's Day. We don't want to forget about who all we need to send valentines to. So, get the JUMBO box of candy, double up on the roses, hit the ATM for some extra cash to take them to a fancy dinner and all. Maybe go to a show or dancing. 

Maybe us guys could do a little striptease for our ladies. Or, the ladies could do a little striptease for us guys. Set the mood, turn the lights down low, or -- for some of us -- maybe with the lights turned off. I tried a striptease dance for a lady friend years ago. (I used a tether ball pole, you know, the kind cemented in the old tire.) I brought it into our bedroom before she came home and set it by the foot of the bed. I had candles, I had Barry White ready to play on the record player. I even went and bought a bottle of her favorite wine, Boone's Farm Apple. 

All was set. I took her out to Dino's Italian Restaurant. We had the lasagna meal with salad and bread sticks, and a couple of glasses of house wine. After the meal, I gave her this HUGE box of candy and a Valentine card. As we drove back to our apartment, she snuggled up next to me. When we got home, she went straight to the bathroom. I went into overdrive. I got her two dozen roses, and spread them on the floor from the bathroom to the bedroom. I turned down the covers on the bed. I turned Barry White on the record player. I stripped down and put on this "thong" thing, and put on a pair of boxers with hearts all over them on top of that. Then I waited.

I waited some more. I re-started Barry White. I waited some more. Finally, I heard the bathroom door open. I quickly started Barry White again, and positioned myself next to the tether ball pole. The mood was set. Things were looking good. Then, I heard a yelp, and then another yelp, and then a scream of pain. I ran to see what was wrong. As I stepped towards the bedroom door, I (of course) stepped on one of the roses that I had spread on the floor. THORNS! I had forgotten to remove the thorns from the roses. 

As I hobbled down the hall, my valentine was in great pain, as was I. Except, some of the roses had stuck to her feet and she had set down on the floor to remove the roses. She also had a couple of the long stemmed roses stuck to her butt. I made it over to her, helped her up, picked her up, and carried her to our bedroom.

I placed her on the bed, and it was then that I noticed she was wearing one of her old ragged nightgowns, and had goopy cream all over her face.

There I was, all ready to carry on for Valentine's Day. I got all the stickers out of her feet and her tush that I could. I poured her a glass of apple wine, restarted Barry White, and started my striptease for her.She didn't say anything, just kept on drinking her wine.

When I got to the part of the striptease using the tether ball pole. . . well, that's when it went really bad. 

I tried to swing around the pole. About half way around, the pole tipped, I stubbed my toe on the foot board of the bed, landed on my knees, and found the last of the rose thorns on the floor. As I landed on the floor, that made the record of Barry White jump. Somehow I ripped my boxer shorts. The tether ball pole rolled and hit the mirror of the dresser and broke it. 

By then, I had rug burns, thorns embedded in my knees, ripped shorts, broken mirror shards all over the bedroom, and Barry White sounded like he had the hiccups. My girl friend was giggling. And I was trying to act nonchalant about the whole thing.

I missed work the next day. She kissed me and gave me a big smile when she went out the door to work. I could have sworn I heard her say, "Next year let's just stay home." 

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