FARTS ARE FUNNY

Farts are funny, real or fake. How about a whoopie cushion? Ever have one as a kid? I think I've gone through at least a dozen or so. 'Course, the last one I had was just a couple years ago. It wore out before the night was through, while we were bowling. People on both sides of our lane were cracking up. And of course it made for a few gutter balls as someone would make their approach on the lane.

As kids, farts were just plain funny no matter what. If not real, you learned how to make them with your mouth. I remember once, our teacher in second grade was up at the chalk board. She was writing something for class and had her back to us. Now, I won't mention any names, but all of a sudden someone made this real loud fart noise. Everyone started to laugh, the teacher turned toward us, red faced. Even the girls in class were laughing. 

The teacher made us put our heads down on our desks for quiet time. 'Course, you know what happened not too many minutes later: another fart. Again, the teacher was red faced. She never did find out who was making the noise. But, us guys found out who it was out on the playground that afternoon. We all learned how to make it sound just like the real thing, minus the smell. I, of course, took this new found knowledge home with me, to the dismay of my family.

I got pretty good at it. Grandmother would bend over to get something out of the fridge, I'd make a fart noise. Pappy would go to set in his chair, and I'd make a fart noise. My sister, HA! She would go to set at the table to eat, I'd make a fart noise. She would have a friend over to play, I made lots of fart noise. Even when she would hit me. Every punch launched my way, she got a fart noise. I'd set outside the bedroom door while she played with her Barbie dolls. Every time Barbie moved, sat, or drove her sports car, the farts were there.

We were at a funeral once -- someone that my grandmother knew had passed from a heart attack. So, here all of these people are at this church, and the minister is just about to start. You could have heard a pin drop. But someone let loose this huge fart. There were a few giggles, a couple of people clearing their throats, a cough or two, more giggles, and then.... the whole place was laughing. People were trying not to laugh, but hey -- farts are funny! Make some fart noises when someone is walking; every step gets a fart noise.

You can even do the fart thing at the pool, minus the noise. Get a balloon, blow it up some, and walk behind someone in the pool. Kind of place the balloon behind the person, and let some of the air out. Others see the bubbles, and blame the person for farting in the pool. You could take it a bit further and drop a Baby Ruth candy bar behind them also. But that's for a story some other time.

Once at a drive in movie I was at, someone got a hold of the microphone and managed to make some great fart noise as Dracula was changing into a bat. If I remember right, horns honked, and head lights flashed. It was even mentioned on KIMN radio the next evening by DJ Steve Kelly.

Once in high school I even made a loud fart noise as I was setting in the principal office one time for whatever it was that I got caught doing. He jumped as the noise was made, and kind of turned red, and then started to smile, but hurried to conceal it. With whatever it was that I did, and being a fart mouth (his words), my Dad was called. 

Yeah, farts can still be funny, even as you get to be an old man. So, go get a whoopie cushion and make some fart noise!