THE CRAP MOUSE

It is about time for some scary stories, since Halloween is just around the corner. And just so you know, the mouse in this story was not hurt, though I did try really hard to do the little bugger in.

This takes place on the same hunting trip, that the Cactus Butt story came from.(Check it out from a while ago on this blog.) Just a different day.

So, it started out to be a pretty good day. It had snowed the night before, and we had about 5 more inches of snow. Now, like most people, the first thing you do in the morning is to make a call on Mother Nature. But since it had snowed, I was hoping that some one else would be the first to run out and use the toilet we had set up, so that the seat would not be all that cold. I mean, there were 5 of us in camp and we all had just gotten up. You would think that at least one of them could not wait, and they would run out and do their business so that the rest of us would kind of have a warm seat to set on.

But, alas, it was not to be. I mean, it is nothing to do number one. Just step out away from camp and go. But for doing number two, we brought a portable john. You know, the type that has short legs and has the toilet seat attached? It folds up like a TV tray? You attach a plastic bag to the bottom and do your paperwork. Well the one we had was not the sturdiest, and it didn't have a lid to put down when you were done.

So, when using this thing, you can't really put the full weight of your butt on it. And we just had a chunk of wood as a lid. So, as I'm waiting for someone else to go first, I'm kinda doing a little dance in place. I'm given a nice hot cup of coffee. There I was, trying to drink hot coffee, doing a little pee-pee dance, standing in the middle of our big tent in my union suit.

And I GOTTA GO! I couldn't stand it anymore.

So, out the tent I went. I set my coffee down on a log next to our john, and had paper in hand. Our make shift seat cover and toilet seat are under 5 inches of new snow. I swept the snow off as fast as I could, threw off the makeshift lid, looked around real quick, and didn't see anyone. I proceeded to drop my drawers, and lightly set down. Man, was it cold!

The next thing I knew, the bag below rustled and this damn mouse ran up between my legs and jumped off my lap! The mouse went one way, and I let out a girly scream like you never heard, and I went the other way! Down.

'Course, I'm sure every body in the whole valley heard that scream. My campmates came flying out of the tent, one or two of them had their sidearms out. There I was, butt sticking out, practically had frostbitten butt checks, the toilet seat stuck to my butt, and my drawers around my ankles. Thankfully, the stuff that was in the bag was frozen solid.

My campmates just stood there, mouths open. My Dad finally said that they thought that I had been attacked by a bear or a mountain lion. Yeah, right, like a bear was going to be out this time of year. The bears were all snug and sleeping the winter away.

I'm was still trying to get up off the ground, toilet seat still frozen to my butt, and I was trying to get my drawers up.

They laughed their heads off. They laughed while we ate breakfast. One had coffee come out his nose. I thought another was going to choke on his bacon. They laughed while we tried to hunt. I could pinpoint them all, just from their laughing.

And that toilet? Well, it ended up being used as a target holder. That's what we should have used it for in the first place.

As for that damn mouse? I tried, I don't know how many times, to get that little booger. But to no avail. He got away.

None of us got to fill out our tags that season. Between cactus butt and renegade mice and everyone laughing so much, I think that we pretty much scared off everything within 30 miles or more.

So, a warning and advice: check before you sit!